One's In The Air...

... so im not invincible, nope. Its christmas eve and Im just sitting here listening to the perfect playlist. "I am more than what you bargained for and nothing less than real. & hey, no Im not perfect."-Drake.
somewhere down the line I figured out that there is not perfect way to live your life. You can only live it one day at a time. Because each day will teach you something new. Stop thinking you have it all figured out because i guarantee you, you will discover something new next week. And yes, Im going to take my own advise. I get to this point where Im like, "Ive found myself." But then I fall, I get back up, and hey... Ive found myself again. Nope...that makes no sense. So once again... I quit. Not trying to figure it out anymore. We're going to make mistakes because we're human. Just have enough pride in yourself to learn from them. This is me. This is who I am. Like it, Love it, Hate it....thats on you. Take it or leave it. That goes to me too. I belong right where you see me. That is all. Love generously, feel passionately, and live. Just live. & move on.

As usual, Alicia Keys has been ultimately a phenomenal women. She continues to prove that. Her new album, The Element of Freedom, is beautiful. Its raw and pure. I've been listening to it all day and each time, i feel it even more. The semester is over and it ended with some devastating news... and I'm not sure if its all the time I have on my hand to do nothing but think or what, but I have been a huge pool of emotions. Its so hard to be strong when everything inside is falling apart. And I keep thinking that I just can't wait for this year to end so that I can begin fresh... but I won't actually be able to close chapters and begin new because there is this one thing that has a hold on me. I know that sooner or later its going to pop out of no where. Even though its cool now and quiet... I know that sooner than later... its going to revive itself...
The Element Of Freedom... my element of freedom. And I wonder will I ever be free? The element of freedom in my own definition would be the ability to release everything that hinders you from fulfilling your full potential. Letting go of insecurities, past tragedies, defeats, and anything or everyone who tries to pull you down. Or maybe its the ability of finding your very own freedom in the midst of the calamity. Being able to completely separate yourself. However, what if there are things that refuse to let go of you and that thing comes in like a thief and thrives to steal all that you are? Tries to break you apart and ruin you in every way possible.
Honestly, I am afraid. Afraid of so many things. Afraid to walk away but afraid to stay put and face it. Afraid to feel, trust, believe. Afraid to open up, afraid to shell up. Afraid to love, afraid to hurt. Afraid to be happy because I know that its so easy to be torn down. Afraid to move forward but definitely don't want to go back and I know that I can't stay here.
... and I feel alone in all of this. And sadly I am.... Funny... I am literally living on my own little quotes right now. I keep repeating them over and over and successfully, I've made it through another day.
Failure is not an Option. Stop searching and everything you're looking for will find you. The beauty of the sunshine is never fully appreciated without periods of total darkness. Someday, it will all make sense, and it will all be worth it. "I'll risk the fall just to know how it feels to fly"-AKeys "Smile when your heart is broken"-OBatiste
Never give up. You have no idea how many people look up and admire your strength.

yeah... the picture has nothing to do with this post I don't think?? Just symbolic of my current emotions. Well its a little deeper than that just don't feel like looking.

.....Geezzzz..so this semester is finally over and I never want to see it again..it was like the semester from hell, well most of it at least. I am listening to this crazy song that has me feeling like a b&*$%... 0_o

...Can I say that I have been entirely fierce all day.. In a poo mood. which is not normal as of lately...6am and you're slamming things not saying a word. Be a lady please. You should have addressed the situation like a women. I do not have time or patience for anymore ignorance in this little life of mine. That is complete stupidity...that is all.

...So today I decided to try this Twitter thing again..I need somewhere to vent so I will lay my burdens on Twitter..However, I still do not see the real purpose of it.

ahhh I can not wait for New Years eve for my blog post...I neeeeedd to get all of this out..Until then :)

I guess the picture did collaborate with the post

Raw. Pure. Love.

"Lolita,

 light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta. She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita." -Nabokov 

I watched my favorite movie Julie & Julia until 4am this morning. I absolutely adore that film. It reminds me of the simplicity and happiness in life. And it also reminds me of how bad I am longing to live in Europe :(
I must say that between The Devil Wears Prada and Julie & Julia, Meryl Streep is absolutely phenomenal! She has amazing talent!
Anywho... today is my second to last day of the semester and let me say..I am completely exhausted and ready for it to be over. Im actually ready for this entire year to be over. It's been one heck of a journey and by far one of the worst, but best years ever. It was an emotional rollercoaster..however, I think I am going to save the description for New Years Eve..lol how typical of me.

I had the honored pleasure and privelage of meeting my University's President whom, I must admit, is very nice and down to earth person. My acceptance into SOS is truly making an impact on me and my life already and it has only just begin. I am excited about the expericence! At the welcome reception on yesturday, I was able to meet my newest family. It is 42 of us and they are really great people with beautiful spirits. I have a feeling this is going to be awesome.
...I am blabbing to absolutely no one lol..Oh well
Oh I also watched Changeling the other day, thanks to my dearest friend. Truly an amazing film!
I am actually thinking of watching Julie & Julia again tonight...I do things like that but I love that movie..it sort of humbles me.
...One more final to go tomorrow at 8 AM... Its going to be a breeze though. Until next time...

"Lolita"

I am beginning a new novel, Lolita, introduced to me by a good friend. I am certainly very excited about this one. The first night I had it it was late so I was tired, but I decided to read the first page just to get a feel of it.

Two words... Raw. Love.

It was awesome and it has thus captivated me. I have an innate feeling that this one is definitely going to leave its marks!

"I'll always be here... I promise."

Ever since that cold, June night, I've thought of you every single day. The hardest part of growing up was not having you here to share every moment with. Graduating from pre-k, elementary, highschool, and beginning college. At times I was so angry with you. I kept saying you were suppose to be here. You were suppose to be here for every performance, relationship, every fall, every tear. The worst thing is knowing that you won't be here to give me away. You won't be here to dance with me. You won't be here to teach my children all that you taught me. You won't be here to meet my husband.

There were times when I felt so alone and all I wanted was for you to be here because you were the only person who ever understood me. If I could get that night back, I would have held on to you and never let go. I would have tucked you in and sung you to sleep. I would have never left. I should have never left. All my life I've wanted to change that night. I've been so hurt, confused, and angry with you. I had so much ambivalence in my heart.

Yesturday, dad, you proved me wrong.

You've always been here and you always show up at the right time.

So many have told that you were always here. I took that so lightly. They didn't understand.

But you are.

At my worst moments, you're there. I'll here our song or I'll see those yellow butterflies(even in winter) that we use to chase. I'll here your favorite songs. At my best moments, someone random brings you up. When I started college, I saw a guy that looked just like you. Every now and then I see him. At my worst moments, I meet people who use to work with you. They tell me the best stories. Everyone has dreams about you telling them to check on me. My bestfriend also lost her father at the same time I lost you. I know that we were placed in each others life for a reason. I met someone... we were walking one day, and in complete silence, we looked at each other and laughed, just like we use to do. I guess you approve. :)

I remember when we were sitting on the bayou fishing. You looked at me and said, "No matter what, never stop smiling Honey B. Just be happy."

I'll never stop smiling.

I know you're here now and you always will be. Thank you for never leaving.

I miss you so much. I love you daddy.

"Beautiful Boy"

So I just concluded my latest novel, Beautiful Boy by David Sheff.

It was certainly everything I hoped. It gives you a deeper perspective of what a life of addiction is really like.

You see the heart of parent. The heart that can never let go. The heart that can and won't give up, no matter it takes.

I wonder often what life for me will be like when I become a mother.

There is no instruction manuel. No manuscript. I hope that I do it the right way. I want to say the right things. I hope I know how long to hold on and just when to let go. In Beautiful Boy, David Sheff, the parent of the addicted son, reveals that you may never know or be able to be a perfect parent. All you can do is try and give your whole heart. All you can do is love them unconditionally.

I hope that I am a great mother.

And I am very excited. The addicted boy in this novel wrote is own novel, Tweak by Nicholas Sheff. So of course I have to make a trip to the wonderful Barnes & Nobles tomorrow!

Fall 09 Fashion

Fall 09's fashion is going to rock!

Michael Kors

Chen Juanhong

Balenciaga

Chanel

Hermes

Christian Louboutin

Nicholas Kirkwood

Ralph Lauren

Vera Wang

sur la vie et l'amour

...Today's weather is beautiful. I feel the loveliness of fall trinkle on cheeks and it just makes me so happy.
A great conversation with numéro de ma grande amie cinq :) left me pondering as I fell asleep last night. Thoughts of relationships, friendships, life, the future. In many ways we may not realize, but as humans, we spend so much of our lives trying to please this person and trying to impress that person. Being this person for these people and trying to fix and figure out life's entire anatomy. We adapt to life around us instead of letting life adapt to us. I have learned that no matter what standards we may try to mount up to and no matter how much we may try to accomodate our lives and the people in it. No matter the title  or abbreviations following our name, at the end of the day, we can only be ourselves, and it is very important that we remember that virtue and remain true to that person. What can we be for life if we lose focus of who we are?
Others and myself suffer from the urge to want to fix and know everything.
But, sometimes we just have to let go and take it one small step at a time and make each moment indelible. The beauty in life, although sometimes argued, is not knowing, but figuring it out along this great journey and excepting "nothing less than we deserve" .

After certain circumstances, I placed a wall around my feelings and my heart because I knew that all I ever wanted was to be happy and feelings and heart were too easily hurt. Everytime I loved, I hurt. Everytime I felt, I fell.

...My mother shined her light. I quote her, "When you allow yourself to love, you must accept the fact that you will be hurt because no one is perfect.You must accept that at times they will let you down because we are only human. And you must accept that there may come a time that you will have to let go. But you must also learn to forgive and have patience. Never forget to look in the mirror first. And when you find "the one"...you will know...because it will all be worth it."

No one could have put it more beautifully. Not Eienstien. Not Locke.

She taught me that it's okay to love and it's okay to hurt. It's a beautiful thing when you can find someone who is truly willing to ride the rollercoaster of life with you and never, ever let go. Someone that compliments you and not tear you down, but build you up. Someone that will listen forever. Finding someone that, even when the music stops, they never stop dancing. Its a beautiful thing to grow old with someone and share life's most promised moments.

It is the icing on the cake. The sprinkles. "What is it to gain everything if we have no one to share it with?"

Today is a good day :)

The Strawberry Patch

He and I had so much fun in the strawberry patch that day. I size of those berries had me amazed.He had the tendency to continuously pick small ones and I kept telling him.." Get the BIG ones.." So he'd say.." Well if I get the big ones my crate will fill up to fast and I won't have as many. So I will pick small ones." He was completely right.

So, as he picked little ones, I walked behind him eating big ones. :)

& he was the bravest.

Tonight's Cuppycakes :)

... I forgot to put the baking cups in the pan.. But they worked perfectly and were funfettilicious:)

Meet Mimi

Our newest addition to the family. We named her Mimi and she's absolutely spoiled. She is so full of life and spunk...

the man in my life...

He is sweetest thing ever! My little brother is my everything. Leaving for school last week he told me that I better have a good day at school and I better come back with a surprise for him.

He fills my life with joy.

Capturing the moments again

 I was inspired by a great blogger to began photography again sooo..It's time to invest in a new camera...

CuppyCakes- My sinful weakness

I made cupcakes...they were delicious

Team Hoyt & Baby Elliot

I was inspired by this story today..This father wanted to give his son a better life..give him a life that went against his ability to walk or speak. This is the story of the IronMan competition that they completed...Amazing



I also found this video.. Elliot wasn't suppose to live to birth. For awhile I wasn't sure exactly why I wanted to be nurse..A Neonatal Nurse...Now I know..

Stewie, You're the best!

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)


Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

My Bucket List

Thought I would share my Bucket List with the world :)

Europe
See an Alvin Ailey Dance Company performance

Paris

Milan

Perform a ballet

New York

Get a Kanoli in Central Park

Be a ballerina
California

Visit a lighthouse

Selena's memorial and museum

Record a song

Meet "Carrie Bradshaw"

Build a Home

Get Married

Have Children

Sky Dive

Ski

Play in the rain
Niagra Falls

Laugh until I can't breath
Make someone laugh until they can't breath
Grand Canyon

Own the blue Manolo Blahniks

Ride a horse
Ride a horse on the beach

See "Revelations" by Alvin Ailey

Be a Neonatologist
Dine at Cafe de la Paix

Graduate from College
Walk the Great Wall

China

Kenya

Pyrimids of Egypt

Pet a Dolphin

Love myself
Visit the Colosseum

Taj Mahal

The Northern Lights

Meet Beyonce
Scuba Dive

Machu Pichhu

The Great Lakes

India

Stay a night in Lake Palace Udaipur

White Water Rafting

Go to an NBA game with floor seats

Amsterdam

Kimora

Barcelona

Ride in a horse driven carriage

Attend the Kentucky Derby

Witness a miracle

See daddy again

If I am to complete this, I will have lived a priceless life

Main Entry: hon·es·ty

2 a : fairness and straightforwardness of conduct b : adherence to the facts : sincerity

So I have been pondering on the true facts of being honest.
Should we be honest at all cost regardless of (really wish the girl next to me would stop all of her profane indecencies and..shutup..anyways) hurting others and the possibilty of tearing things apart?
Or should we hold some things in? Should we not say that because, I know it will mess things up or I know that it will hurt your feelings.
I believe in being honest at all cost. I believe in expressing my true opinions and telling you exactly how I feel.
But I also believe in unselfishness. And in all actuality, Im a "softy" and I love making people happy.
Should be really compromise our happinest for the sake of their feelings?

Hypothetically

Lyfe Jennings

What if I broke our monogamous agreement
What if I told you I lied but didn't mean it

What if my one mistake
had the potential to break

up our happy home

Would you wanna know

What if I confessed it and though she didn't mean nothing since it happened

You're thinking about leaving

What if I suppressed it

and made a vow to never mess with another

Is it cool for me to smother the facts

Is it cool for me to cover my tracks

if you'd never know

Or would me not being honest hurt you more

Chorus:]

Hypothetically of course

Are there some things better left unsaid

Or would you wanna know instead

Hypothetically of course

Are there some wars not worth fighting

Some tears not worth crying

Hypothetically of course

What if this happened to you

what would you want me to do

[2nd Verse:]

Well what if I told you that I had a confession

What if I said 4 years ago when we were arguing

he came to comfort me and I wound up pregnant

And I just can't say for sure
if the baby's yours

What if I confessed it and it turns out not to be your baby after you get tested

And it destroys what we've been blessed with

What if I suppress it 'cause technically you're the baby's daddy anyway

Is it wrong for me to want you to stay

Would you rather have me tear you away

From the only family you know
Or is this just too big a secret to keep it on the low
[Chorus/Bridge:]

Would you wanna know

Would you wanna know

Tell me what you'd do

Tell me what you'd do

Would you walk away or would you stay

Would you wanna know

Would you wanna leave the past behind us

Or are you afraid that one day it might find us

Would it even matter

Could it even matter

Should it even matter

D- Day June 6, 1944

Thinking of D-Day for some reason. It truly aches my heart to remember the memoirs of our country and all we've been through.

My heart goes out.

"Bon Appetit!"

L'essence de son spirt est belle. Pas de soucis. Pas de soucis. Vivre sa vie à son plein potentiel. Une aura de jaune. Elle est Mello Joy

...The company of Me

Sitting in starbucks... Chanel flats, pearls, and a plain white top by no one. Tall caramel frappé, one pump of hazelnut and a warmed fudge brownie... Creating my own little indelible(I absolutely adore that word) moment as I enjoy the company of...me.
.. Classic :)

I was thinking, we get so drowned in the Infinite race of the world, the calamity and confusion of everything... We forget how truly special we are. We forget to love ourselves before everything else. We forget that we need time too. We forget how really beAutiful life is without all of it's accessories!... I love these moments. I fall in love with me all over again!

"Road Less Traveled"

...I have loved this poem since forever...

Road Less Traveled

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear

Though as for that, the passing there

Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet, knowing how way leads onto way

I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence

Two roads diverged in a wood

And I took the one less traveled by

And that has made all the difference

-Robert Frost

Fantabulous

An inspired look from Carrie Bradshaw..Love it!! I am so investing in this outfit!

Sex and The City

I have been truly in love with Sex and The City since if first surfaced and i believe that there is so much depth to these four women that often goes unnoticed. They have been each others back bone. Each others world.
Charlotte! Everyone should have a Charlotte in their lives. She has the role of this beautiful strong women with a great successful life and in the end finds true love. I admire Charlotte's strength and loyalty to her friends, life, and family. Recalling from the movie when Big bailed on Carrie for the wedding, Charlotte stepped in with no questions, no barriers, and completely took control. When she grabbed and embraced Carrie in the street, you can't help but feel all of her sencerity for her friend!
Samantha! She is the edgiest, boldest women I know. She is the "Mother" friend that always gives you the truth and teaches you how to, no matter what the circumstances, love yourself first!
Miranda! She holds it all together. She puts the realism into the story
but, our favorite, Carrie! She is raw, innocent, and adorable. She is the cinderella. She is the icing. Not forgetting to mention...her style ROCKS!...classic and fabulous. Carrie makes you reach deep inside yourself and pull out the truths. Love, heartbreak, happinest, perfect imperfection.
...Their friendship and their story is amazing! Can't wait for Part Deux!

So... I just finsihed another novel, Falling In Love With Natassia by Anna Monardo, and was heart- gripping. So much heart and so much realism in this novel that you can definetly relate to! Now I'm beginning Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. A story of a father dealing with his drug addicted son. This should be good.

Yes...Let's talk about love...I wonder why exactly do we get those exasperating feelings... That tingly greatness. We seek the coalesce of another. Our smiles began to shine brighter than the nebulas and stars.. I guess it's sort of the pursuit of happiness.. Do we ever ...really find what we're looking for?... Damn, I think I'm afraid of love
...friendship is the foundation of love and i've realized that every failed relationship, somewhere down the line, lost that friendship. No one strives to maintain that friendship anymore. They get so caught up in trying to change the other. They forget that everything they're trying to change was there when they fell in love with that other person. We become more of parent figures than partners. "Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? Its 7pm what are you doing? Who is that? Don't do that?"....ever hear those questions a lot? It should be more of a,"Hey sweetheart, Im going to___ with____ and I will be back at ____ and if anything comes up,of course I'll call."..." Great, have a good time see you later." ... Problem is, there was no trust. and that's where everything falls apart.

I want to find someone who remembers that at the end of the day..."...this is my bestfriend..." Think about friendship. In real friendship, there is ultimate trust. There is no judging. There is understanding. When disagreements occur, "We need to talk about this." There is honesty. Great memories are created. You never leave the other behind. You laugh until you cry. You dance until you fall.----And that is what Love should be.

Let It Go

...okay...I am taking a step back now...ive become to emotionally involved. It is time to let it all go and go back to the care free me. I put my easels down and i am no longer painting that beautiful picture of my future. Tomorrow may never come. I didn't go to class this morning. I really didn't have it in. And that's when i realized that I was falling into that slump...Soooo..right here, right now...I'm letting it go.

..mirrors

...at the barre, in first position, i warm up...with so much confidence...but those mirrors..today those mirrors slapped me in the face..its like, you can block so many things out and tell yourself you're beautiful, you're a nice size, you've got talent...but its when you stand in front of those mirrors...you stare truth straight in the eyes..I see why dancers are the way they are..I see why we're such perfectionist...no one can see the truth as much as we do..

Planning?..NO!

Every single day i aquire more knowledge than the day prior..and i learn... about life, friends,...myself. And I have derived that my biggest mistake has been giving way to much of myself...and in most cases, just to see others happy. And at some points Ive been way too diaphanous. However, there are definetly NO regrets...for I have discovered so many truths, so many fakes...and life has ultimately unveiled itself..

This weekend was ridiculously "off"..to say the least. and I can't believe that i am at all surprised. One thing i have learned about MY life is that i really shouldn't plan things...they NEVER go as planned..EVER...from planning to wash the dishes..to planning a trip to Europe..i just really shouldnt plan..
I find it very...comedic?..When i first decided that i was going to Puerto Rico..i began planning like 6 mths in advance..which u have to if you're going to have a decent and orderly trip anywhere...LOL..I was terrified..No matter how much things would fall into place..in the back of my head i knew it was going to eventually fall apart..The day before we left... i really believe i had been holding my breath for those 6 mths...I smiled for the first time since i decided on the trip because amazingly...it was all still working smoothly and i was boarding the plane the next day...well..i shouldnt have exhaled so early...haha..just a few hrs before it was time to leave...the tickets were taken and so was passports and some of our luggage...and i couldnt even be upset..All i could do was laugh and tell myself.."I told you soo!"..I now look back at my Puerto Rico pictures and souveiners and actually cherish them...it was just about the only thing in life that i planned and worked out...although we got our things bk and were able to depart..i was terrifed..i knew that plane would crash or id be held hostage by terrorist or something...lol
My life has been filled with indelible moments that has placed all of these little dimples on my face :))