"Lolita"

I am beginning a new novel, Lolita, introduced to me by a good friend. I am certainly very excited about this one. The first night I had it it was late so I was tired, but I decided to read the first page just to get a feel of it.

Two words... Raw. Love.

It was awesome and it has thus captivated me. I have an innate feeling that this one is definitely going to leave its marks!

"I'll always be here... I promise."

Ever since that cold, June night, I've thought of you every single day. The hardest part of growing up was not having you here to share every moment with. Graduating from pre-k, elementary, highschool, and beginning college. At times I was so angry with you. I kept saying you were suppose to be here. You were suppose to be here for every performance, relationship, every fall, every tear. The worst thing is knowing that you won't be here to give me away. You won't be here to dance with me. You won't be here to teach my children all that you taught me. You won't be here to meet my husband.

There were times when I felt so alone and all I wanted was for you to be here because you were the only person who ever understood me. If I could get that night back, I would have held on to you and never let go. I would have tucked you in and sung you to sleep. I would have never left. I should have never left. All my life I've wanted to change that night. I've been so hurt, confused, and angry with you. I had so much ambivalence in my heart.

Yesturday, dad, you proved me wrong.

You've always been here and you always show up at the right time.

So many have told that you were always here. I took that so lightly. They didn't understand.

But you are.

At my worst moments, you're there. I'll here our song or I'll see those yellow butterflies(even in winter) that we use to chase. I'll here your favorite songs. At my best moments, someone random brings you up. When I started college, I saw a guy that looked just like you. Every now and then I see him. At my worst moments, I meet people who use to work with you. They tell me the best stories. Everyone has dreams about you telling them to check on me. My bestfriend also lost her father at the same time I lost you. I know that we were placed in each others life for a reason. I met someone... we were walking one day, and in complete silence, we looked at each other and laughed, just like we use to do. I guess you approve. :)

I remember when we were sitting on the bayou fishing. You looked at me and said, "No matter what, never stop smiling Honey B. Just be happy."

I'll never stop smiling.

I know you're here now and you always will be. Thank you for never leaving.

I miss you so much. I love you daddy.

"Beautiful Boy"

So I just concluded my latest novel, Beautiful Boy by David Sheff.

It was certainly everything I hoped. It gives you a deeper perspective of what a life of addiction is really like.

You see the heart of parent. The heart that can never let go. The heart that can and won't give up, no matter it takes.

I wonder often what life for me will be like when I become a mother.

There is no instruction manuel. No manuscript. I hope that I do it the right way. I want to say the right things. I hope I know how long to hold on and just when to let go. In Beautiful Boy, David Sheff, the parent of the addicted son, reveals that you may never know or be able to be a perfect parent. All you can do is try and give your whole heart. All you can do is love them unconditionally.

I hope that I am a great mother.

And I am very excited. The addicted boy in this novel wrote is own novel, Tweak by Nicholas Sheff. So of course I have to make a trip to the wonderful Barnes & Nobles tomorrow!